not so fast, negative nancy

so i weighed myself. about a year ago (o god, has it been that long?) i realized i had gained 25 lbs above and beyond my low weight (and my current weight is 15 lbs more than my high school weight). therefore, i would pretty please like to lose 25 lbs. after a month of working out at least 3-5 times a week and watching what i eat, i thought i could drop off weight pretty easily. nay, i was wrong! a few things happened. one of the worse things was that i lost hope in myself. i would restrict, exercise, diet for a week and then weigh myself and not see a big enough drop (or even a gain!) and get really upset with myself and then eat fast food the next day or binge. that was happening about november/december of 2008. beginning of january, i started eating better but still checking in fast food a few times a week and eating out with friends but working out a little more diligently. i expected to see some weight loss over the 2-3 weeks i had decreased my eating out and increased my working out. WRONG! another weight gain. this time, 4 pounds on top of the 25 i wanted to lose. talk about devastation.

so i told myself i wouldnt weigh myself until the end of february.

so d-day came and i weighed myself today. out of the 25 lbs i will lose, i have only lost a pound.

typically, i would be really tore up about this. a month? and all i've lost is a freakin pound?!?

but, not so fast, brain. i could have possibly lost something closer to five pounds (since i had gained that four pounds over christmas/january - even though i still to this day think it impossible that i gained so much bc i really cut down on my fast food and increased my working out). and, thankfully, i had taken my measurements. i forgot my waist measurement, but i know i lost over an inch in my hips (still need to lose about 2-3 more but its a start).

according to my past behavior, i would have ran straight to the closest fridge or mcdonalds. but, aside from the number, im actually pretty pleased with myself. i feel better, stronger, and healthier. i am liking how i can say no to fast food easier; im not going to lie, i still dont have a perfect diet but its getting there.

what number on the scale would i have been happy about? i honestly was shooting for 10 lbs! that was my "happy" number.

but i am not going to let the scale dictate my life and how i view myself (and, oh, how it has done so in the past). i will live in the present and change what i dwell in. i wont say i didnt do enough in the past ... because i cant change the past. i can only change the present ... the now. i think this helped me because i did some boxing and yoga tonight and had a great time at the gym even after i had weighed myself. now, i think working out is fun ... and not just a means to an end to help me fit into my jeans. i actually feel energized after going to the gym. and, for so long, i was sluggish because of my inactivity and going to the gym was a chore. now working out is fun - i feel the benefits - and i am looking forward to my new eating healthy lifestyle! i dont want to be a slave to the scale chasing a number or to food finding comfort in some fries. i want to live my best life!